Based on real research · 1997
The 36 Questions That Bring Hearts Closer
The full protocol from Prof. Arthur Aron's famous experiment — ready for your next date. Question by question, layer by layer.
- questions
- 36questions
- sets
- 3sets
- minutes of conversation
- 45minutes of conversation
The story behind it
One experiment that changed the study of closeness
In 1997, psychologist Prof. Arthur Aron published an experiment that became one of the most famous in the study of human closeness: pairs of complete strangers sat facing each other and received a list of 36 questions in three sets — 45 minutes of a single conversation. The control group got exactly the same time — with small-talk questions.
The secret is in the structure. The questions escalate deliberately, from light to deep, and gradual mutual self-disclosure — I share, you share — is one of the strongest mechanisms for creating closeness between people. The result: after just 45 minutes, participants rated their closeness to the stranger across from them higher than about 30% of a comparison sample rated the closest relationship in their lives. And in the paper itself, the researchers note — exclamation mark included — that one of the earliest pairs to try the procedure went on to marry, inviting the whole lab to the wedding.
In 2015 the list became a worldwide phenomenon thanks to a personal essay in The New York Times. And we want to be precise: the study measured closeness — not a promise of love. But real closeness is exactly where good relationships begin.
Aron, Melinat, Aron, Vallone & Bator (1997). The Experimental Generation of Interpersonal Closeness. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin.
“Closeness isn't built from small talk. It's built when you let a person show who they really are — layer by layer.”
— The principle behind the 36 questions
How to play
Four simple rules
- 01
Sit facing each other
No distractions, no extra screens. This phone is only for the questions — everything else is you.
- 02
One question, both answer
Read the question aloud, and each of you answers in turn. There are no right answers — there is listening.
- 03
Go in order
The gradual structure is the magic. Don't skip straight to the deep end — let closeness build layer by layer.
- 04
Stop when it feels right
You don't have to finish everything in one evening. Some questions run very deep — match the pace to where you are.
The game
Ready? Begin
One question on screen at a time — swipe, tap the arrows, or use your keyboard.
Set One · Opening
Light questions that begin to open the heart
When you're ready — swipe to the first question
All 36 questions
To read, print, or send — the order is part of the method.
Set One · Opening
Light questions that begin to open the heart
- 01Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?
- 02Would you like to be famous? In what way?
- 03Before making a telephone call, do you ever rehearse what you are going to say? Why?
- 04What would constitute a "perfect" day for you?
- 05When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?
- 06If you were able to live to the age of 90 and retain either the mind or body of a 30-year-old for the last 60 years of your life, which would you want?
- 07Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die?
- 08Name three things you and your partner appear to have in common.
- 09For what in your life do you feel most grateful?
- 10If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be?
- 11Take four minutes and tell your partner your life story in as much detail as possible.
- 12If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be?
Set Two · Going Deeper
Memories, dreams, and what truly matters
- 13If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future, or anything else, what would you want to know?
- 14Is there something that you've dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven't you done it?
- 15What is the greatest accomplishment of your life?
- 16What do you value most in a friendship?
- 17What is your most treasured memory?
- 18What is your most terrible memory?
- 19If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Why?
- 20What does friendship mean to you?
- 21What roles do love and affection play in your life?
- 22Alternate sharing something you consider a positive characteristic of your partner. Share a total of five items.
- 23How close and warm is your family? Do you feel your childhood was happier than most other people's?
- 24How do you feel about your relationship with your mother?
Set Three · Closeness
The questions about the here and now — about you
- 25Make three true "we" statements each. For instance, "We are both in this room feeling..."
- 26Complete this sentence: "I wish I had someone with whom I could share..."
- 27If you were going to become a close friend with your partner, please share what would be important for him or her to know.
- 28Tell your partner what you like about them; be very honest this time, saying things that you might not say to someone you've just met.
- 29Share with your partner an embarrassing moment in your life.
- 30When did you last cry in front of another person? By yourself?
- 31Tell your partner something that you like about them already.
- 32What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about?
- 33If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone? Why haven't you told them yet?
- 34Your house, containing everything you own, catches fire. After saving your loved ones and pets, you have time to safely make a final dash to save any one item. What would it be? Why?
- 35Of all the people in your family, whose death would you find most disturbing? Why?
- 36Share a personal problem and ask your partner's advice on how he or she might handle it. Also, ask your partner to reflect back to you how you seem to be feeling about the problem you have chosen.
The natural next step
You have the questions. Need an idea for where to go?
Our date kits — complete itineraries by region, budget, and kashrut, each with its own conversation questions.
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